Just thought I’d say that I love & miss you guys all so much. I also miss dance parties and crazy laughs, drinking, swimming, watching movies, mudfights in the canal.. that crazy hat night with Mayo songs… wow, some carefree times were had by all.
Why did we have to grow up and stop all that nonsense anyway? I want to be a little reckless and silly and childlike. But maybe I’ve forgotten how? Things seems so stressful and serious and important after a certain age. I don’t want to start in with that responsibility crap- worrying about bills. I want to stay up all night talking, kissing, dreaming. I don’t want everyone around me feeling the clicks of our biological clocks. At a certain point, do we do that, and at the same point, do others in our lives sense it and become rebellious and fearful? Maybe they are feeling that something is over when they feel the onset of that phase- like I am now and want to do anything to reverse that. Maybe everyone goes through that- it just has different triggers. Maybe for some, its called cold feet- they only thought about the wonderful parts of being with one person, but are suddenly realizing that means the dating phase is over. For me, it’s not about my doubting relationship (that is wonderful) it’s about the responsibilities I fear could put a damper on our happiness and coming to terms with how to prevent that. Having a huge loan payment for a degree I feel too burned out and scared to use is weighing on my mind like an anvil. Seeing Joel stress about his job is hard for me and I need to learn what to do to stop the downward sprial that ensues. Anytime I feel like I am not the top priority, I start into a self-conscious attack, wondering why he is not paying attention to me. This has happened in all of my relationships at about the two year mark, usually fueling a crash and burn already in the works. I need to learn how to relax and know that it is not me, but combined with the constant coming and going of this Alaskan lifestyle, it is proving quite difficult. I remember going through this last year while he was gone- suffering fits of doubt until I could hear his voice again. Long distance is not something that will break us now or ever, but it sure is difficult. We knew there would be unforseen challenges that would come with doing it this way, and indeed there are.
To top it all off, I feel so restless and stuck about so many things. I want to talk to to people, but I don’t want to complain, so I feel like I don’t have that much to say on a lot of days. My mom and Kim are the only ones I have let listen to what’s actually happening. A lot of other people, I feel like they don’t really care as much. I know that’s not fair of me to assume, but no one has called me. Aaron and Brenda call, Badi calls, and Joel’s parents call- all more than anyone from home. Except Kim. I really appreciate her, and how she listens to me, and understands. We actually share what’s happening with ourselves, rather than catch up superficially. I trust her not to twist my words when talking to other people, which seems to happen here with people who I would have thought would not do that. Here or anywhere. Good friends are hard to find.
I’m happy I’ve started a penpal relationship with my Grandma as well. Anyone who really knows me knows I put words together much better when written than when spoken. I find the courage to say what I want to, maybe being able to speak more indirectly. But, I am learning a lot from her advice and appreciating her support.
I love my mom more than ever and miss talking with her into the night, or curling up to watch a movie, eating chips and salsa and giving my sister advice. I share with her, and she with me, more than most friends do and I love listening to her. She is the sweetest, most sensitive person you will ever meet. She will give until the cows come home, almost to a fault and I wish I could vindicate every wrong in her life where someone took too much. I love my father for protecting her, loving her faithfully, and providing for her- and am thankful she has done the same for him. They have their disagreements and everything, but they’ve been working them out for 30 years. Knowing that they are playing basketball and planning hikes to sleep on the summit of Mount Whitney, and reading books to each other in bed… it give me hope that relationships can survive, and so can the fun and adventure. It shows that it takes effort and imagination and constant renewal, but I am so lucky to have them in my lives, as my parents and as role models. They seem a good 20 years younger than most people of the same age. I hope to make enough money to be able to travel with them and really enjoy life and each other for the rest of our lives.
*small Juno moment spoiler* I love the quote in Juno toward the end when her dad is giving his opinion on whether two people can stay in love forever:
“In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.”
It makes me cry every time I watch that part. I know I’m unbelieveably lucky that I have found that person, but I need to learn how to stop worrying that I’ll lose him somehow. Buddhist teachings say that not only should I find comfort in the fact that I have something wonderful now, that I should come to terms with the fact that all things are impermanent, and that anything I have could be gone at any moment, and that life goes on for all of the larger life of the universe- that that was just a tiny part which is now changing form. Wow, I am not at that point of understanding. But I believe it is true. It is not as easy to find peace in reality, or just let emotions flow as it is to dull or placate them. I understand why people continue self-soothing into adulthood, although we thought we stopped as toddlers. Bigger problems take bigger pacifiers- whether it be drugs, alcohol, food, love, religion, delusion- we all have something that relaxes us and gives us a sense that all is right, or at least takes the edge of the fact that we can’t figure things out at all.
I am definitely glad I decided to come to Alaska, but for many reasons it is hard to decide if I want to do this again next year. I have learned and grown a whole lot, and Joel and I are definitely having challenges alone and together that are new and difficult. We are having growing pains, trying to transition between jobs and careers, and not knowing exactly how or when to do that. I am missing my family and friends and feeling a bit isolated, which is making me want even more to live close to them. I feel like our families will always be scattered, but that apparently is a part of growing up, moving on and moving out as well. Maybe its something you get used to, but I feel like in the past, families stayed together, in the same clan or tribe or whatever and I wish that was still a natural thing.
Okay, well enough. I need to go to bed as I have to work in the morning at eeek 7! I’ll talk more later.