HoydenSeek’s Weblog

hoy·den: a boisterous, bold, and carefree girl; a tomboy + seek: to go in search or quest of

Missing, Reminiscing and Wondering July 28, 2008

Filed under: Love,Rants (Politics) — suzanne turner @ 3:38 am

Just thought I’d say that I love & miss you guys all so much. I also miss dance parties and crazy laughs, drinking, swimming, watching movies, mudfights in the canal.. that crazy hat night with Mayo songs… wow, some carefree times were had by all. 

Why did we have to grow up and stop all that nonsense anyway? I want to be a little reckless and silly and childlike. But maybe I’ve forgotten how? Things seems so stressful and serious and important after a certain age. I don’t want to start in with that responsibility crap- worrying about bills. I want to stay up all night talking, kissing, dreaming. I don’t want everyone around me feeling the clicks of our biological clocks. At a certain point, do we do that, and at the same point, do others in our lives sense it and become rebellious and fearful? Maybe they are feeling that something is over when they feel the onset of that phase- like I am now and want to do anything to reverse that. Maybe everyone goes through that- it just has different triggers. Maybe for some, its called cold feet- they only thought about the wonderful parts of being with one person, but are suddenly realizing that means the dating phase is over. For me, it’s not about my doubting relationship (that is wonderful) it’s about the responsibilities I fear could put a damper on our happiness and coming to terms with how to prevent that. Having a huge loan payment for a degree I feel too burned out and scared to use is weighing on my mind like an anvil. Seeing Joel stress about his job is hard for me and I need to learn what to do to stop the downward sprial that ensues. Anytime I feel like I am not the top priority, I start into a self-conscious attack, wondering why he is not paying attention to me. This has happened in all of my relationships at about the two year mark, usually fueling a crash and burn already in the works. I need to learn how to relax and know that it is not me, but combined with the constant coming and going of this Alaskan lifestyle, it is proving quite difficult. I remember going through this last year while he was gone- suffering fits of doubt until I could hear his voice again. Long distance is not something that will break us now or ever, but it sure is difficult. We knew there would be unforseen challenges that would come with doing it this way, and indeed there are.

To top it all off, I feel so restless and stuck about so many things. I want to talk to to people, but I don’t want to complain, so I feel like I don’t have that much to say on a lot of days. My mom and Kim are the only ones I have let listen to what’s actually happening. A lot of other people, I feel like they don’t really care as much. I know that’s not fair of me to assume, but no one has called me. Aaron and Brenda call, Badi calls, and Joel’s parents call- all more than anyone from home. Except Kim. I really appreciate her, and how she listens to me, and understands. We actually share what’s happening with ourselves, rather than catch up superficially. I trust her not to twist my words when talking to other people, which seems to happen here with people who I would have thought would not do that. Here or anywhere. Good friends are hard to find.

I’m happy I’ve started a penpal relationship with my Grandma as well. Anyone who really knows me knows I put words together much better when written than when spoken. I find the courage to say what I want to, maybe being able to speak more indirectly. But, I am learning a lot from her advice and appreciating her support.

I love my mom more than ever and miss talking with her into the night, or curling up to watch a movie, eating chips and salsa and giving my sister advice. I share with her, and she with me, more than most friends do and I love listening to her. She is the sweetest, most sensitive person you will ever meet. She will give until the cows come home, almost to a fault and I wish I could vindicate every wrong in her life where someone took too much. I love my father for protecting her, loving her faithfully, and providing for her- and am thankful she has done the same for him. They have their disagreements and everything, but they’ve been working them out for 30 years. Knowing that they are playing basketball and planning hikes to sleep on the summit of Mount Whitney, and reading books to each other in bed… it give me hope that relationships can survive, and so can the fun and adventure. It shows that it takes effort and imagination and constant renewal, but I am so lucky to have them in my lives, as my parents and as role models. They seem a good 20 years younger than most people of the same age. I hope to make enough money to be able to travel with them and really enjoy life and each other for the rest of our lives.

*small Juno moment spoiler* I love the quote in Juno toward the end when her dad is giving his opinion on whether two people can stay in love forever:

“In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.”

It makes me cry every time I watch that part. I know I’m unbelieveably lucky that I have found that person, but I need to learn how to stop worrying that I’ll lose him somehow. Buddhist teachings say that not only should I find comfort in the fact that I have something wonderful now, that I should come to terms with the fact that all things are impermanent, and that anything I have could be gone at any moment, and that life goes on for all of the larger life of the universe- that that was just a tiny part which is now changing form. Wow, I am not at that point of understanding. But I believe it is true. It is not as easy to find peace in reality, or just let emotions flow as it is to dull or placate them. I understand why people continue self-soothing into adulthood, although we thought we stopped as toddlers. Bigger problems take bigger pacifiers- whether it be drugs, alcohol, food, love, religion, delusion- we all have something that relaxes us and gives us a sense that all is right, or at least takes the edge of the fact that we can’t figure things out at all.

I am definitely glad I decided to come to Alaska, but for many reasons it is hard to decide if I want to do this again next year. I have learned and grown a whole lot, and Joel and I are definitely having challenges alone and together that are new and difficult. We are having growing pains, trying to transition between jobs and careers, and not knowing exactly how or when to do that. I am missing my family and friends and feeling a bit isolated, which is making me want even more to live close to them. I feel like our families will always be scattered, but that apparently is a part of growing up, moving on and moving out as well. Maybe its something you get used to, but I feel like in the past, families stayed together, in the same clan or tribe or whatever and I wish that was still a natural thing.

Okay, well enough. I need to go to bed as I have to work in the morning at eeek 7! I’ll talk more later.



Happy Updates June 19, 2007

Filed under: Books & Mags,Love — suzanne turner @ 5:07 am

So, its been a while, but thats how I roll. I don’t have anything in particular to tell you about, but in general, its been a good time lately. I think life is looking up for most people I know right now, which is cool. Its interesting to see everyone progessing, changing, ending up in places we could never have pictured being 10, even 5 years ago. I mean, I look around at my friends and everyone is in various stages of marriage and family, and I realize I’m 25. This is the age at which I though I would be long graduated, married with 1 or 2 kids. (Given I thought this when I was 16 or 17, when you can hardly realistically fathom being 25.) I had no idea what I wanted as a “career” other than homemaker, and never saw myself not being Mormon. Obviously a lot of spiritual, personal and social changes have occurred for me in the past few years. I am completely happy with where I am, in fact I could not be happier. I often think that even if nothing else amazing happens to me ever again, finding Joel was enough of a jackpot for a lifetime. I want to continue learning, travel a lot, learn about ourselves and each other, meet lots of people and learn from them, and just really savor life together each day. I want to always respect and adore each other and pause to see the bigger picture when things get hard. There is so much to enjoy about life, books, music, food, love, nature, family, friends… I’m ready to experience it all. I’m glad I found someone who has the same views as I do on these things, and we share so many of the same philosophies. I think its more important than people realize.

I’m currently reading a travel memoir Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert which is extremely enjoyable. I’ve read her earlier fiction work, but this one is an intensely personal account of her adventures all over the world. Its both entertaining and enlightening and I highly reccommend her. I think I’ll take a little nap and continue later… Siesta, Interlude, Intermission… Ciao!


Giving Thanks November 25, 2006

Filed under: Love — suzanne turner @ 3:00 am
Well, Thanksgiving was the best ever. All of the food was amazing, seeing my grandparents was great, and spending a few days off with my family was so wonderful. We played Clue, just mom & dad, me & Janae and it was really fun just to hang out together; we don’t get to do that very often. Mom & I went to Vons about 5 times in two days, but it was better than being at school! On the last trip I convinced her I needed sushi in order to continue our preparations. We made our apple pies together that day, and then Thursday, Joel made a fruit salad and a pecan pie. Both were awesome. I really love pecan pie now, I’ve been missing out!
After an incapacitaingly large dinner, he picked me up off the couch and made me go for a walk! Grrr. 🙂 We had a great talk, as we always do on walks, or whenever. I love that about us. I can and do tell him everything, and he knows he can do the same. We kicked my parents butts at Perfect 10, a trivia game, bringing the overall score to a tie as the battle continues, but we will prevail!
Joel & I have had a wonderful week, with a lot of time off and its great to kind of see how it would feel to be together every night and day. I love it. I love the comfort and happiness I feel when I’m with him. I know its crazy, but I always get this image in my head, of waking up with him on a Sunday morning, in our own cozy, beautiful house, and making breakfast in our sweats, reading the paper, talking, getting ready for the day, whatever it brings. I know these are normal things, but they have never crossed my mind before. The idea of enjoying your love, your life in every state of the day, no matter what you look like, or what you are doing- it was never realized before now. There is pretty much nothing we haven’t already talked about, and there is nothing that scares me. It seems so simple now. I want to do everything in life, all the good stuff, with him. Knowing that I can trust him is one of the biggest gifts he gives to me.When I was dating before, I was always waiting to hear inklings of desire to be together more long-term. I wan’t looking for commitment here & now, I wanted to know that I was the type of person, I could be the person they wanted to be with a very long time. I figured if they really loved me enough to stick by me, I would stick by them too. There wasn’t really any amazing love- I was always thinking maybe that would come later when things were somehow different or easier. I heard little things here and there, maybe because I wanted to, but usually ended up feeling disapppointed, like something was wrong with me, or that maybe the romance, the passion were things of the past, and I should let them go. I don’t need major commitment now, or on any schedule. I already have that feeling that I am loved enough now. I’m looking forward to the future of course, but I am so happy now, nothing else is going to change that. I don’t need anything else to know that he loves me, he shows me. I don’t need anything to prove to me that he is loyal, he just is.I couldn’t be more thankful for having met him. But that is every day. On Thanksgiving, we just ate even more than usual. 🙂

Just What I Needed September 3, 2006

Filed under: Books & Mags,Love — suzanne turner @ 8:16 am

So I woke up last night at freakin 3:30 for no apparent reason, WIDE awake. About 6:30 when the sun was up, I started getting tired again! In between, I finished my book and it was wonderful. I highly recommend Straight Up & Dirty by Stephanie Klein to any girl looking in her twenties still struggling to define herself- but here’s the catch: love herself regardless of the guy situation. Every time I let go and realize nothing is permanent, nothing can be forced, I just need to focus on myself, that’s when something amazing happens. And that’s kinda what the book is about. Not to mention, it’s hilarious and spares no detail. I have reason to hope and lots to look forward to again, and its a good place to be. I don’t even care what happens. I am enjoying being myself right now and that’s all I can do. Love is just like life itself- you grieve loss, learn from mistakes, you celebrate new beginnings.

I spent some time last night with three very happily married, very Mormon couples for a little reunion barbeque. As the conversation turned to porch swings and epidurals, I realized that even though a lot of my friends are in that stage, I’m happy that I’m not there yet. Soon enough; but with the situations I’ve had lately, I’m very glad its never gone there. It wasn’t right yet. Luckily, they’ve found the “one” already. And I am overjoyed for them, truly. I am just so glad that I didn’t want it so badly that I accepted what was happening to me for it. I hadn’t met the one yet, and deep down I knew it. I just wanted that kind of love so badly. Now, already having 20/20 vision in hindsight, I am wondering, what if it happened any other time, any other way? I wouldn’t be here now. And that is unthinkable. I am in a good place now, my favorite place in years. The only way out of hell was through it, which was agony I’d never felt. The heartache was physical, tangible pain. But now that I know where it led, I would do it all again. ♥