Quiet, occasional intense dancing, onion rings, sweet potatoes, travelling, slushy drinks, powdery light snow, visiting family, hearing peoples’ life stories, analyzing things, cuddling, hiking, tennis, exercise DVDs, small towns, memoirs, alternatives to the status quo, friendly non-barking dogs, amphibians & reptiles, napping, HBO of course, elaborate stage productions, oldies, nondescript roadside cafes, hotels, stone & concrete, art, cultures, architecture, history, eastern religions, outdoors, blankets, cocktails, well-spoken people, effort, aspirations, well-designed small household items, well-designed furniture, quirky shops, friendly bars, off the beaten path restaurants, comfy jeans, well-behaved children, books…
Weight Loss Through Gross Food and Sheer Deprivation March 22, 2008
Here are my ten nastiest techniques for shedding those unwanted pounds. If only anyone could stick to them, we’d all look like Victoria Beckham! The funny thing is, each one could probably be seriously marketed and sell thousands of books. Hey, Dr. Phil can write a book that sells millions of copies, and yet… he’s totally overweight. Hmm. Here are a few diet plans I came up with in complete ridicule of this concept.
1. Only eat items available in tiny containers such as beenie weenies, baby food, cat food, vienna sausages or green chiles. For each meal, choose only one container.
2. Scratch off the markings on your oven dials, or switch the dials around to create easier under/overcooking.
3. Travel to a country whose food disgusts you and stay until you reach your goal weight.
4. Pick a vegetable to be your only allowed food for a week. Even if you like it, you’ll tire of it and thus control your portions.
5. When you feel like snacking, grab a dog biscuit instead of chips or crackers. You won’t feel like binging on them, and they polish the teeth!
6. Instead of eating dinner, try drinking hard liquor. You’ll probably skip breakfast then too! I’ve found tequila works wonders for this method. Too many mixed drinks, and badly mixed drinks are another great cure for a hearty appetite.
7. For a whole grocery trip, only buy animal byproducts.
8. When you need to lose more than 30 lbs, go on the 3 month hunting diet. You can only eat things which you hunt and kill. This is automatically high protein, and burns calories during the chase!
9. Marry a terrible cook.
10. When you start to feel pudgy, cut out all carbs until you’re nearly too tired to continue breathing. Then transition into the fad diet of your choice: the Cabbage Soup diet, Champagne & Cigarettes diet, or the Tapeworm Diet. Repeat if neccessary.
I know some people are into expressing themselves via the blank canvas of their vehicle, and then others just aren’t. Maybe they don’t have opinions to shout, or they don’t feel like affixing a semi-permanent decal to their expensive ride. I’ve been through both phases, but now I really want to explore the mode of communication’s potential as a decent prank…
You know those HUGE lifted trucks that have multiple axels and make a ton of noise for no good reason and the dude tries to use his angle to look down your blouse? Well, while he’s in buying his Bud Light & Penthouse, I really want to slap one of my handy stickers on his tailgate: “compensating???”
Boss not following through with that bonus he promised? In fact, you haven’t heard a word about it since you reached the goal that got him recognized, but all you have heard about is his precious progeny? Throw one of these babies on his new Audi, crouch behind a distant shrub and watch him change colors: “The teachers at MowLawn Elementary told me your kid’s a cocky dipshit, just like his father!”
If you’re not quite feeling up for full on road rage, you can take the passive-aggressive approach with these gems: “Tailgating Buttnugget” or “Honk if I Just Cut You Off!” or perhaps the perennial favorite “I refuse to disobey the speed limit and that’s final, and I always drive in the fast lane and refuse to move over, thankyouverymuch.”
Here are a few others I just found, actually commercially available! Hahaha! At least these are just magnetic. Oh, the wonderful horror! 🙂
A Band Name Every Day is My Solemn Goal… May 17, 2006
The Poopy Puppies
The Skanky Wankers
The Soy Curdles (special thanks to Lyndi & Amber)
The Sneaky Litres (props to Lizzy)
Partial credit to Jeff for – Za! (The only stipulation to liking this band is that you must yell the name whenever said, and motion with one arm, as in a Hiel Hitler/punch. Also when the band is through playing, and you want an encore, you and the rest of the crowd must chant Za! accompanied by the aforementioned motion.
Voodoo Kabob – could be a band or a Deadbolt album.
Five Guys I’d Rather Not See Wet
A great name that truly inspires me is “I Love You But I Have Chosen Darkness.”
Another recent inspiration: Music to Smash Cockroaches By.
FYI, my guitar hero bands are The Freaking Weasels & Ruckus