So I woke up last night at freakin 3:30 for no apparent reason, WIDE awake. About 6:30 when the sun was up, I started getting tired again! In between, I finished my book and it was wonderful. I highly recommend Straight Up & Dirty by Stephanie Klein to any girl looking in her twenties still struggling to define herself- but here’s the catch: love herself regardless of the guy situation. Every time I let go and realize nothing is permanent, nothing can be forced, I just need to focus on myself, that’s when something amazing happens. And that’s kinda what the book is about. Not to mention, it’s hilarious and spares no detail. I have reason to hope and lots to look forward to again, and its a good place to be. I don’t even care what happens. I am enjoying being myself right now and that’s all I can do. Love is just like life itself- you grieve loss, learn from mistakes, you celebrate new beginnings.
I spent some time last night with three very happily married, very Mormon couples for a little reunion barbeque. As the conversation turned to porch swings and epidurals, I realized that even though a lot of my friends are in that stage, I’m happy that I’m not there yet. Soon enough; but with the situations I’ve had lately, I’m very glad its never gone there. It wasn’t right yet. Luckily, they’ve found the “one” already. And I am overjoyed for them, truly. I am just so glad that I didn’t want it so badly that I accepted what was happening to me for it. I hadn’t met the one yet, and deep down I knew it. I just wanted that kind of love so badly. Now, already having 20/20 vision in hindsight, I am wondering, what if it happened any other time, any other way? I wouldn’t be here now. And that is unthinkable. I am in a good place now, my favorite place in years. The only way out of hell was through it, which was agony I’d never felt. The heartache was physical, tangible pain. But now that I know where it led, I would do it all again. ♥