HoydenSeek’s Weblog

hoy·den: a boisterous, bold, and carefree girl; a tomboy + seek: to go in search or quest of

Weight Loss Through Gross Food and Sheer Deprivation March 22, 2008

Filed under: Shits & Giggles — suzanne turner @ 7:37 pm

Here are my ten nastiest techniques for shedding those unwanted pounds. If only anyone could stick to them, we’d all look like Victoria Beckham! The funny thing is, each one could probably be seriously marketed and sell thousands of books. Hey, Dr. Phil can write a book that sells millions of copies, and yet… he’s totally overweight. Hmm. Here are a few diet plans I came up with in complete ridicule of this concept.

1. Only eat items available in tiny containers such as beenie weenies, baby food, cat food, vienna sausages or green chiles. For each meal, choose only one container.

2. Scratch off the markings on your oven dials, or switch the dials around to create easier under/overcooking. 

3. Travel to a country whose food disgusts you and stay until you reach your goal weight.

4. Pick a vegetable to be your only allowed food for a week. Even if you like it, you’ll tire of it and thus control your portions.

5. When you feel like snacking, grab a dog biscuit instead of chips or crackers. You won’t feel like binging on them, and they polish the teeth!

6. Instead of eating dinner, try drinking hard liquor. You’ll probably skip breakfast then too! I’ve found tequila works wonders for this method. Too many mixed drinks, and badly mixed drinks are another great cure for a hearty appetite. 

7. For a whole grocery trip, only buy animal byproducts.

8. When you need to lose more than 30 lbs, go on the 3 month hunting diet. You can only eat things which you hunt and kill. This is automatically high protein, and burns calories during the chase!

9. Marry a terrible cook.

10. When you start to feel pudgy, cut out all carbs until you’re nearly too tired to continue breathing. Then transition into the fad diet of your choice: the Cabbage Soup diet, Champagne & Cigarettes diet, or the Tapeworm Diet. Repeat if neccessary.

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